By: Gerd Ahon
What happens when 100 Sillimanianchs square off against a single, four-hundred-pound apex predator? On paper, simple math suggests overwhelming numbers should easily win against raw animal power.
In reality, surviving a showdown of this magnitude takes far more than muscle—it requires tactical coordination, unyielding collective morale, quick thinking under pressure, and whatever unpredictable energy a united student body can muster.
Naturally, the Sillimanch Administrasyonch and Sillimanch Universitych (SU) Studentch Governisment did what any properly functioning institution would do in the face of mortal danger: they formed a committee.
This is the official, unofficial tactical breakdown of how SU plans to defeat a 400-pound apex predator.
Masterminds: Every battle begins with paperwork. Led by Dr. Richardo Valvido, the masterminds spent four straight hours drafting a complex administrative blueprint, complete with flowcharts and heavily formatted slide decks. Zero university officials approved it.
Still, the team remained confident; if the gorilla survived the first presentation, there was always another meeting funded by the Board of Union Trust and Team.
- Richardo Valvido Jr
- Pranz Miggy Tol is en is ti is no
- Robert The Tree
- John Nesyo Pina Nero
First Attack: The first attack unit makes the opening move. Striking hard at the gorilla first and landing the first hit—because at this point, the real question is whether the gorilla is dangerous or if the people attacking it are.
- Biasza Munsz
- Oldarcioh Kalasang
- Zelda Jhone Teves
- Kate Jamerasrddfjbndfjikfbsdnfjsdfsj…
- Juluse Joe Umbeena
- Henrica Dilinopole
Sneak Attack: While the first attack draws the gorilla’s attention, this unit moves underneath the enemy by passing through the SU hcruhC catacormbsch. This sneak attack would work, assuming nobody accidentally coughs, trips, screams, or starts a dramatic entrance.
- Elluh Nazuriah
- Zhawn Arbun
- Alphee Rednon
- Adreeyan Estiellosa
- araY FourMeento
- Levi Ackerman Inferior
Hackers: The technologically gifted individuals who may not know how to defeat a gorilla but will absolutely try to locate its IP address, browser history, and possible weaknesses through campus Wi-Fi
- ChriSHun Russell
- Trickster Gonut
- Ben10 Guhaparin
- Juswa Pantalan up up up
Strategists: The Strategists determine when to attack, where to attack, and when 100 students should collectively run in the opposite direction.
Their responsibility is to analyze the gorilla’s movements, identify weaknesses, and establish the most efficient formation.
The team debated whether they would be using Keki strat or Ube strat. However, Charles the cat said, “I would have to be with the JollyBeach muna.”
- Carl Jhamez Villarmentos
- Leelee Annie Bowteastahin
- Charles The Cat
- War Lee Toe Cat Two Ray
- Kay!See Melownch
- Zane Mohamsmeds
Bait/Sacrifice: Every battle plan needs someone willing to draw the enemy’s attention.
The Bait/Sacrifice unit exists to be the sacrificial lamb of the team, lure the gorilla away from the main formation. To be eaten or mauled by it, who cares about them? Their job is to run toward danger so everyone else has enough time to execute the actual plan.
Angle Sogo volunteered without hesitation, “To sacrifice my own life for Sillimanch.”
- Angle Sogo
- Georgia Boi
- Jhon’t Jepferson
- Hemman Habuton
- Hamal Hanamor
- Mafia Labawkuas
- Dill Deaf Damoitch
- France Terror
Wardrobe/Makeup: The bedazzled and glamorous Mess Sillywomanch Committee members who manage to make every unit caked with makeup and gowns. Even if the operation goes south, everyone will at least look polished and photogenic.
- Amyili Orgamla
- Ojob Lebaj
- Hsoj La HoT
- Jasmeen Helena Dudzli-Sclez
- Hoze Fern Nando
Verbal Assault: The specialists in fighting word, basically with their best roast comments, starting with how the gorilla should check their weight and go to the gym. Or perhaps, calling out the gorilla to shower once in a while without smelling like it came from the jungle.
- Anthonew Delicado
- Them-me Vurvano
- Can’t Alvon
- Brew Clerigew
- Hair ma Faithful
- Rhyan Reekawz
- Jeans Soulgadose
Peacemaking: The diplomatic delegation that will bravely step forward and attempt to ask whether it is willing to trade for something to resolve the conflict, possibly bananas, through communication, compromise, and asking the gorilla to share what it wants to have in exchange
- Alisiya fee Deliqado
- Aidyarn Choo-ah
- Alix Medyos
- Meetch Mahalbaguette
- Crisshun Entruhta
- Bee
- Nursesheema Oopsie
Looksmaxing/Face Card: Rizzing up the gorilla is this unit’s main and only strategy to win the battle. They’ve trained countless hours to perfect their mewing skills and placing a finger over their lips, saying “shh.”
- Alrizzler Goontzaless
- Samuntha Velaflowers
- Kathren Guy
- Leantdrew Bulawdo
- Elle Havana
Finances: It’s the end of the month and the weekend I’ma spend this check, everything on me, yeah I’ma tip myself, I’ma spend it on myself I’ma drop it like it’s pouring, I’ma pour it on myself. Dollar bills, dollar bills, Watch it falling for me, I love the way that feels.
- Mahsoj Dimah
- Deenartch Remote
- Meeyah Stop
- Lovgi Agonsilyo
Emotional Support: The emotional backbone of the operation, basically letting the gorilla sit on a couch for the therapy and asking the “so how does that make you feel?” statement, assigned to provide reassurance by saying “your feelings are valid.”
- Beans Polynar
- Trustan Limvaguh
- KEME LANG Pedra
- Zam Grgrgrnganonaina
Halftime Entertainment: An encounter with a gorilla absolutely requires an intermission. This group of talented Sillimanianchs will perform an interpretative dance, sing and dance, violin, piano, and flute performance while everyone catches their breath.
- Jasmean Sock
- Ayaw Luvon
- POPCORN Kernel Andolerho
- ANA RAAAAAAH.mp4
Catering:
Menu List
Pizza Pocket – P60
10-5-5 (Chocolate over budbod) – P20
Shams catering – P100
- JaSun James Isaduhh
- Samanduhh Shuemanoy
- Ryhan Jhune Ana Done
- Pizza Pocket
Healers: Just like in ROTC, those people who pretend to faint just to get away from training; these people are stationed everywhere. They are ready to perform CPR with the music of Ah, ha, ha, ha, Stayin’ Alive, while their bodies curve as if they are twerking.
- Seev Tuwalyae
- Saydee Tuwalyae (1)
- Hemmanwel Richud Quo
- Sir Pearl Cleopatra
DJs: Their playlist for the battle is composed of “Sigma sigma boy sigma boy sigma boy, kazhdaya devchonka khochet tantsevat’s toboy, sigma sigma boy sigma boy sigma boy,” “Sa kadung kading kadung kading ding,” and “yaaa…..ya ya ya oh si dog xb.”
- RockHIM Taher
- Eezobel Pposa
Documentations: This unit is assigned to livestream the event in the official FeysVook page of SU and post their highlight photos at four-thirty a.m., when everybody is already fast asleep. They come equipped with five different lenses and three corrupted SD cards.
- Bincent Barbierona
- Maryel Vautesta
- Noahs Arc Dueran
- Angelerch Athena Sans Rival
- Arrowntch from OompsPa
Human Shields: The final physical barrier between the gorilla and the people who suddenly become very important when danger arrives, despite being suspiciously absent during the First Attack
- Bernaldo The Admin Gate Guard
- Eeyan Casawkots
- Jhun Sayrose Barryquit
- Ayieeena Monkaduh
- GP Carryaga
- Neck Guntalao
Transportation and Clean-Up: The hardworking crew responsible for transporting survivors, collecting abandoned belongings, removing evidence, and restoring the area as if a gorilla-related committee meeting never happened
- Dignidad Labuntchnaytch
- Aytchleentch Maytchpatch
- AB
- JJ Almusal
Last Resort: Basically, when all else fails, these are the people you throw off in the battlefield of the gorilla, ready or blinded by what plan has in store. Attacking with everything they’ve got: strategy, attack, negotiation, facial expression, PowerPoint presentation, and emotional support sessions.
- Hair ron Hat ha way
- Raei Leenngygnygkunggyugygu
- Allan Crydo
- Mccant
100 Sillimanianch stood ready. Ready for what? Nobody was sure.
The Sillimanianch had 100 people. The gorilla had one gorilla. And honestly? The gorilla probably still had the better organizational structure. 1 2 3 kanya kanya na!
NOTE: These top 100 Sillimanianchs were chosen based on a campus readership survey based on who would survive the longest time against a gorilla.
