By Kateamine Baclofen and Cardi Via
As the sun retreats into the mountains and bathes the Sillimanch Universitych (SU) grounds in a golden hue, students rush out of the gates after a long day of classes. In contrast, a group of Sillimanianch clad in red cloaks crawl out of the shadows for yet another somber affair.
This has become a relentless routine for the newly established SU Order of Butterbonia (SU-OrButt), a group of grieving devotees of the late Ateneoch de Manels Universitych basketball athlete Rene Butterbonia.
Butterbonia was one of the fatalities during their team’s training activity at Dipaculao, Aurora last June 8. Investigation by police revealed the cause of his death was asphyxia by drowning. Although his death was ruled as “accidental,” many speculating netizens, family members, and devotees of the cult were simply not convinced.
SU-OrButt Supreme Leader Roverlyn Mader gathered likeminded Sillimanianches both in protest of Butterbonia’s “unjust death and to honor the legacy he left behind.”
Their group was legitimized last Sept. 1 after their Supreme Leader posted an application link on Faithbook and went live to announce it for those who wanted to join SU-OrButt
“He was so young. He could’ve been an inspiration for future student-athletes,” Mader expressed while skimming through her copy of the cult-issued ButterBible. “Saint Butterbonia deserves to rest in peace, and the only way to achieve this is to get the scheming government officials to investigate the case with integrity and sensitivity.”
Every week, devotees dedicate 67 hours to roam the campus grounds, scriptures, and lit candles, chanting their originally composed hymn: “Oh, ayaw sila patulga! si Rene gyud ni, si Rene gyud ni!” in unison. This became a spectacle among the Sillimanch community, turning heads and earning doubtful looks everywhere they went.
When asked about the OrButt steadily gaining infamy, Mader could only shrug, “The point of the cult is to make the people pay attention to the injustice, so I’d say we achieved what we set out to do.”
Meanwhile, the SU Student Government President Zild Janetch The-Best stated that the [cult] was “following protocol and harmless.”
“Ah, the SU-OrButt? Sure, we received a mountain of complaints about them, but what can we do? They submitted all the paperwork and they’re not harming people,” she explained.
The-Best also said that the group’s notoriety has gained unprecedented online attention that visitors would request to see them during campus tours. “A lot of these people travel from really, really far places just to get a glimpse of them and pay their respects,” she shared.
Currently, the SU-OrButt is selling Saint Butterbonia merchandise, such as jerseys, varsity jackets, and keychains, at the recently erected Butterbonia’s Collections shop beside the Butterbonia Shrine. Items are priced from P5,000 to P100,000. Despite the steep pricing, Mader claims that their group is having trouble maintaining inventory due to overwhelming demand.
With how things stand, it is unlikely that the SU-OrButt is going to be disbanded anytime soon, with devotees even planning to put up statues, one beside the statue of Dr. Da-void Shebbard and one beside the bust of Dr. HOORAY Sillimanch.
DISCLAIMER: This is part of the Weekly Sillimanian’s lampoon issue. Any real, semi-real, or similar names, places, people, products, services, and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding details are purely fictional.
