By Sol A. Baylosis
Being queer means stepping out of the box, but sometimes we place ourselves in one to validate our identities. It is an umbrella term for people to freely explore their gender and/or sexuality outside heteronormative and cisgender roles.
Yet this pressure to conform can turn people against their own community, repeating the same rhetoric oppressors have used against them.
There’s an irony in seeking comfort in conforming to those same strict norms. That internal conflict for belonging appears in a world that has long established its rules. Transgender people especially feel gender and body euphoria when they are seen as any other cisman/ciswoman.
To pass as a cisperson is especially crucial in most public spaces for the sake of safety. To dress traditionally masculine in your typical jorts or baggy clothing can hide dysphoric curves. Others wear tight-fitting crop tops and miniskirts to accentuate their bodies, wishing for those same curves. Some find comfort in mixing both.
These same norms can also be seen in the dynamics of queer relationships. Regardless of nonconformity, there are instances of the masculine partner being expected to pay for the date or of the more feminine-presenting person being expected to appear docile.
People don’t just have one identity; these intersect and perhaps change over time. What these self-inflicted heteronormative expectations on queer people, by queer people, are doing is just fixing another permanent mold on their identities—when in truth, people’s identities intersect.
That being said, leaning too much into this mindset can turn you into the same oppressive people who are policing other queer individuals for not ‘acting’ how you expected them to be. Shaming masc lesbians for needing feminine products, never taking flamboyant gay men seriously, and invalidating non-binary people’s identity are just some of the common experiences.
To continue chasing validation that will never satisfy you because you continue to seek it from the wrong people will only hurt you and the community that once protected you. It’s important to take a step back and reevaluate your mindset if each decision starts to feel like an obligation. Heteronormativity and cisgender norms will continue to persist, but you can control how much you participate in them and with whom.
While dabbling in heteronormativity and cisgender norms can feel validating, you must never enforce them on another queer person. Be mindful of how much and what you consume. Sexuality and gender are fluid—you aren’t meant to be restrained to one identity forever. To be queer is to be free.
