By Dhel Sue Cabiara
In life, what is your priority? Rather, who do you prioritize? For a certain 20 year-old girl, every good thing that has ever happened was always attributed to anyone other than herself and every misfortune—may it have happened to her or others—was always her fault. But the thing is, it could be that “she is the only one that thinks this” and she is afraid that she may be wrong from letting herself off the hook and glorifying her successes.
She always felt like she owed the world something. For that exact reason, she said to me, “I would rather feel the cost of suffering than be an inconvenience to others.” I thought, ‘What a sad thing to say,’ because when you see the world as something you must always pay back, you will never escape the fortress that constantly asks something from you—and what it asks is for you to be above and beyond—to everyone, to everything, but yourself. This made me ponder: What do you really get from being above and beyond?
July and August were not and still are not her favorite months. She would love to curse those months. To whoever is reading this, you might think that it is strange to have “least favorite months.” But hear her out—hear me out.
In 2025 of these months, she started delving into and dealing with ventures that challenged the life out of her. As Hibalag came about, realizations came with it. In her words, she got to “hibalag” her greatest demon and it was how unfair her world was.
She started looking back and realized that she has been living like that her entire life. Seeing the world as unfair was not the world’s fault either. It asked her to be above and beyond—not because it demands, but she willingly does. Her fortress did not appear spontaneously, she created it herself.
All the things she would willingly and wholeheartedly do for others made it feel like her fortress always seeks something from her. The thing is, she would rather feel the worst of both worlds, the worst of and in every world than recognize the value of her existence—all for the sake of not being selfish.
A certain individual once told her, “You have been taking care of the flowers in your garden just for you to give them out and not leave some for yourself.” It is not bad to prioritize “you” and most of all, it is never selfish to not give out everything. Because behind every girl that pleases everyone, the self-blame core, “it is always my fault,” is someone who is finding the key to get out of these thoughts—out of what her mind created.
I am in the fortress, trying to get out. The exact keys are yet to be found but I am seeking. To butt in a Bacteriology reference: Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA) survives not only because it is unaffected by antibiotics, but it adapted to an environment that constantly challenges its existence. I see myself in MRSA—not as someone who wants to resist the world, but as someone who has learned to survive in a world I created around the expectations of always giving, pleasing, and being enough.
The fortress I created became a place where every thought of ‘I am selfish’ became a barrier, and every expectation became another lock. But I am learning that selflessness is not synonymous with continuously breaking myself for others. True selflessness should not require the loss of oneself; rather, it is important to discover new ways to exist beyond the confines I have created.
Perhaps the world does not always reward those who go above and beyond. Perhaps it simply grows accustomed to the version of you who never says no, who always understands, and who always gives. And when you finally decide to keep something for yourself, it feels like selfishness even when it is simply survival.
At the end of the day, I guess that is what you get from being above and beyond—nothing. But maybe the greatest thing I can receive is not recognition, gratitude, or validation. Maybe it is the realization that I do not have to constantly earn my place in this world. The fortress I built was never meant to be my permanent home, and the keys I am searching for are not meant for escaping, but instead to return to myself.
